Concordia Senior High School, Class of 1988
Post Reunion
I threatened to get on here and post a blog about my experience at my reunion...so here goes.
I realize I am very late in doing this but I still felt it appropriate.
First a BIG "Thank You" to those of you who worked so hard to put on the reunion. Andre, Kristi, Jennifer, you all get great kudos from me. Thank you each and everyone of you.
I have heard the phrase you can't go home again. When I was in college I wrote a poem about it; "You can't go home again because the place your heart left is not the one your head arrived at." Time has molded and formed me. I have been forged through the fire of the years. Though I call somewhere else “home” I have discovered that I could return to my past and find some comfort there.
I suppose I am like many who made it back. For me the biggest fear was one I now assume others shared..."Would it be like High School all over again? Would the same tensions that I left 20 years ago come racing back full blast." The answer for me was no, it wasn't high school all over again.
I am no longer that same 18 year old. Time has pulled me and shaped me. I have made decisions that have directed the course of my life whether or not I recognize their full impact. Yet all too often I do realize just that. Whether I classify them as good or as bad decisions, and believe me I have made both, my decisions from the last 20 years have lead me to create and re-create myself and my manhood. Whether I want to admit it to myself I am an adult. I think we all are.
I thought to myself several times over the weekend that time is a great equalizer. (I shared this thought with a co-worker who aptly pointed out and added, "So is circumstance.") Gone is our glorious youth. With it much of our figures have changed, we are heavier for the most part. We are grayer. Not pointing anyone out...but we can all claim our "multi-tonal highlights." Some of us, alas, are balder.
I am not that same awkward 18 year old. Nope...I am now an awkward 38 year old. (At least for a few more days.) I have grown out of much of that awkwardness, learned to hide it, mask it, ignore it, and generally over-rule it. But it is still a very basic part of who I am.
Neither am I the 18 year old who feared who and what he is. I know who I am. I have roughly twenty years of learning to make peace (and be at peace) with myself. That doesn't mean to suggest that there are not times and circumstances where the battle rages, but overall I like myself. I have accepted myself and I continue to work on just that with no pretense and no apologies. It is a tough fight and sometimes I do better than others, but then again that is life, isn't it?
My personal history has been one not to look back. I have often thought of my “adult” life as one of "pulling up my roots regularly, dusting myself off and planting myself in a new environment. I had not been back to Kansas in 12 years, and at that time it was a very quick visit to my aunt who lives in Belleville with an hour stop in Concordia.
In general I have not been one to stay in contact with my friends from the past. There are a few that I send a yearly Christmas card to and look forward to receiving on from, but beyond that I regret to admit I have not put forth a lot effort. I have tried to stay focused on where I am presently and rarely looking back.
I have sometimes wondered where I would be had I made just a few different choices and what my life would have looked like had other options been pursued. A mental game I play with myself if a variation of this very reflection. I can pinpoint a handful of decisions I have made that could have changed my entire life had I decided differently. I am sure it is no different for anyone reading this. What would have been my course had I not gone to school in Oklahoma after my 1st college choice shut their doors? Where would I be now if I had added an education major with my other one? What would have happened had I continued work on my first attempt at a Masters? Who would I be now if I had been more stable, more self assured, and even more assertive in my earlier relationships? There are other questions and of course they all lead nowhere for me. I am a direct result of the decisions I made for myself.
Twenty years is a long time. It is a milestone and a place to stop for reflection. I reflected on my past as much during this weekend as I have in recent memory. I played my mental game of "what if" and found that I am (for the most part) happy with the decisions that I have made. They have shaped and sculpted me. Most usually from the inside out. Time itself wears the shell, but the soul can only be molded by events and the decisions made along the way.
Walking into the Rock Quarry on Friday night was: a little scary, overwhelming, entertaining, and fun all rolled together. It was like some perverse time machine. Some were immediately recognizable. Others I had to puzzle over, and a few I had to ask friends, “Who is that? Do you know?” It was great fun to close the bar with Amy, Melinda, Darlene, Doug and Neal.
The tour of the high school was another thing that played with my memories and in turns my mind. My perception had changed and it felt much smaller than I remembered it. The halls, the desks, the classrooms seemed to be warped in time – new and old converging on a place that held me up, knocked me down, and shaped me. I found my name on a couple plaques. How strange to be some forgotten memory and just another name.
I took the opportunity to walk out onto the stage in the auditorium. Remembering how it became my safe haven and refuge in high school. The hours spent running lines, doing sets, performing. Every show I was in, or part of, was right there. I could remember the occasional anger and frustration, but they were overshadowed by the happiness and the joy of being a part of the plays. I could remember how important it was to me and for me.
Saturday night at the Country Club was fun. How typical of us to have to keep retaking the group picture. It was fitting. I enjoyed the opportunity to connect with some that I hadn’t had the opportunity to talk with. Then going downtown to the Elks and drinking with Darlene, Amy and Kim. I talked with some that I thought had no idea I even existed…they at least gave me the impression of knowing me and that was genuinely nice.
It was great to be able to pick up some of my friendships right where I had left off with them. Melinda and I reconnected and it felt like no time had passed. The same with Andi.
It was also nice to pick up other friendships that I found had turned golden over the passing years…a big thank you to Amy, Neal, Darlene and Doug for allowing me this perspective. It is a great one to have and one for which I am truly grateful.
I reflected on my experiences in showing up to a place that was different than the one my heart left. I reflected upon where my head was during those formative years. I took a moment to congratulate myself on where I am. I said a little prayer of thank you and gratitude for the experiences that at the time I worried would break me. Little did I know that they were the stones that paved my way and lead me to where I find myself presently. So the past did come rushing back...she came to greet me with arms wide open.
I realize I am very late in doing this but I still felt it appropriate.
First a BIG "Thank You" to those of you who worked so hard to put on the reunion. Andre, Kristi, Jennifer, you all get great kudos from me. Thank you each and everyone of you.
I have heard the phrase you can't go home again. When I was in college I wrote a poem about it; "You can't go home again because the place your heart left is not the one your head arrived at." Time has molded and formed me. I have been forged through the fire of the years. Though I call somewhere else “home” I have discovered that I could return to my past and find some comfort there.
I suppose I am like many who made it back. For me the biggest fear was one I now assume others shared..."Would it be like High School all over again? Would the same tensions that I left 20 years ago come racing back full blast." The answer for me was no, it wasn't high school all over again.
I am no longer that same 18 year old. Time has pulled me and shaped me. I have made decisions that have directed the course of my life whether or not I recognize their full impact. Yet all too often I do realize just that. Whether I classify them as good or as bad decisions, and believe me I have made both, my decisions from the last 20 years have lead me to create and re-create myself and my manhood. Whether I want to admit it to myself I am an adult. I think we all are.
I thought to myself several times over the weekend that time is a great equalizer. (I shared this thought with a co-worker who aptly pointed out and added, "So is circumstance.") Gone is our glorious youth. With it much of our figures have changed, we are heavier for the most part. We are grayer. Not pointing anyone out...but we can all claim our "multi-tonal highlights." Some of us, alas, are balder.
I am not that same awkward 18 year old. Nope...I am now an awkward 38 year old. (At least for a few more days.) I have grown out of much of that awkwardness, learned to hide it, mask it, ignore it, and generally over-rule it. But it is still a very basic part of who I am.
Neither am I the 18 year old who feared who and what he is. I know who I am. I have roughly twenty years of learning to make peace (and be at peace) with myself. That doesn't mean to suggest that there are not times and circumstances where the battle rages, but overall I like myself. I have accepted myself and I continue to work on just that with no pretense and no apologies. It is a tough fight and sometimes I do better than others, but then again that is life, isn't it?
My personal history has been one not to look back. I have often thought of my “adult” life as one of "pulling up my roots regularly, dusting myself off and planting myself in a new environment. I had not been back to Kansas in 12 years, and at that time it was a very quick visit to my aunt who lives in Belleville with an hour stop in Concordia.
In general I have not been one to stay in contact with my friends from the past. There are a few that I send a yearly Christmas card to and look forward to receiving on from, but beyond that I regret to admit I have not put forth a lot effort. I have tried to stay focused on where I am presently and rarely looking back.
I have sometimes wondered where I would be had I made just a few different choices and what my life would have looked like had other options been pursued. A mental game I play with myself if a variation of this very reflection. I can pinpoint a handful of decisions I have made that could have changed my entire life had I decided differently. I am sure it is no different for anyone reading this. What would have been my course had I not gone to school in Oklahoma after my 1st college choice shut their doors? Where would I be now if I had added an education major with my other one? What would have happened had I continued work on my first attempt at a Masters? Who would I be now if I had been more stable, more self assured, and even more assertive in my earlier relationships? There are other questions and of course they all lead nowhere for me. I am a direct result of the decisions I made for myself.
Twenty years is a long time. It is a milestone and a place to stop for reflection. I reflected on my past as much during this weekend as I have in recent memory. I played my mental game of "what if" and found that I am (for the most part) happy with the decisions that I have made. They have shaped and sculpted me. Most usually from the inside out. Time itself wears the shell, but the soul can only be molded by events and the decisions made along the way.
Walking into the Rock Quarry on Friday night was: a little scary, overwhelming, entertaining, and fun all rolled together. It was like some perverse time machine. Some were immediately recognizable. Others I had to puzzle over, and a few I had to ask friends, “Who is that? Do you know?” It was great fun to close the bar with Amy, Melinda, Darlene, Doug and Neal.
The tour of the high school was another thing that played with my memories and in turns my mind. My perception had changed and it felt much smaller than I remembered it. The halls, the desks, the classrooms seemed to be warped in time – new and old converging on a place that held me up, knocked me down, and shaped me. I found my name on a couple plaques. How strange to be some forgotten memory and just another name.
I took the opportunity to walk out onto the stage in the auditorium. Remembering how it became my safe haven and refuge in high school. The hours spent running lines, doing sets, performing. Every show I was in, or part of, was right there. I could remember the occasional anger and frustration, but they were overshadowed by the happiness and the joy of being a part of the plays. I could remember how important it was to me and for me.
Saturday night at the Country Club was fun. How typical of us to have to keep retaking the group picture. It was fitting. I enjoyed the opportunity to connect with some that I hadn’t had the opportunity to talk with. Then going downtown to the Elks and drinking with Darlene, Amy and Kim. I talked with some that I thought had no idea I even existed…they at least gave me the impression of knowing me and that was genuinely nice.
It was great to be able to pick up some of my friendships right where I had left off with them. Melinda and I reconnected and it felt like no time had passed. The same with Andi.
It was also nice to pick up other friendships that I found had turned golden over the passing years…a big thank you to Amy, Neal, Darlene and Doug for allowing me this perspective. It is a great one to have and one for which I am truly grateful.
I reflected on my experiences in showing up to a place that was different than the one my heart left. I reflected upon where my head was during those formative years. I took a moment to congratulate myself on where I am. I said a little prayer of thank you and gratitude for the experiences that at the time I worried would break me. Little did I know that they were the stones that paved my way and lead me to where I find myself presently. So the past did come rushing back...she came to greet me with arms wide open.
Add a Comment
-
Comment by Kristi Gales on December 8, 2008 at 3:38pm - Hey my friend...I have felt sooo many of the same feelings that you shared in your blog. More that you or others have ever known. I am so thankful that we, as a whole, have grown and become the amazing people we are. Forgiveness is an amazing healer and humbler. I have had to forgive myself and others in order to open myself up for an amazing weekend and I'm sure, many more to come. I am proud to say I am a member of the Class of 1988 and that I have 100+ friends for a lifetime. Love you Doug!!
-
Comment by Traci Charbonneau Vignery on October 22, 2008 at 6:30pm
- what a great way to put into writing how many of us felt. It was so great to see to see everyone now that we are all grown up, all the things that were so important then seem so trivial now. I hope everyone continues to stay on the website now that I have reconnected with so many people that I had lost touch with so we can stay up to date on what is happening. I love the way we all grew up together it is one of the things that I feel really bad that my children will not expereience because of our military lifestyle. Thanks for a great time.
-
Comment by Kristi Sherwood Fate on October 22, 2008 at 3:56pm -
Doug -
Thanks for the wonderful way of writing what I'm sure are the sentiments of many of us. I too was feeling excitement, apprehension, wonder, etc. of the past converging with the present. It was definitely a fun "time warp" experience, as you put it!! I'm so glad we were able to go on the tour - seeing Mr. Kraft was a bonus!! Anyway, I have very fond memories and those that were bad have seemed to fade to almost non-existence. Thanks for your words - I hope many of our classmates get to read them.
See you in 5!!
Kristi
-
Comment by Melinda Florea (Radley) on October 20, 2008 at 11:03am - I love you, Doug!
-
Comment by Jennifer Swihart on October 19, 2008 at 7:46pm - Wow! What a wonderful tribute. I feel many of those same feelings. Thank upi Doug for writing that and for attending. I am so grateful for the experiences I had in high school and yes, it did help me to become the person that I am today. I felt like there hadn't' been 20 years in between. The relationships were maybe not the same but maybe even better. We are all adults now. Not those selfish teenagers we were 20 years ago. Thanks again for a wonderful blog. Take Care!
-
Comment by Jodi (Meats) Griffith on October 19, 2008 at 7:12pm - Beautifully written, Doug! I'm so glad that you were able to come back for the reunion! I'm glad it was a good experience for you! This was the second reunion I have attended (so far, I've been on the "10 year plan") I had such a great time at the 10 year reunion, but I was still a little nervous about coming back for the 20th. Yet, once again, I had so much fun! It's strange to me that although all of us didn't really "hang out" together, we all KNOW each other. We have that special connection because of where and how we grew up together.... To be the Class of "88! It's nice to be among people that have the same background experience and some of the same memories to share! It was fun reliving some of those memories again! I truly enjoyed seeing everyone again and seeing them doing so well in their lives! It made me happy! I'm glad that we can continue to keep in touch through this website and hopefully, more friends will come back for the next reunion. Thanks again for the wonderful blog!
-
Comment by Andre McDaniel on October 17, 2008 at 2:37pm -
Doug,
What a thoughtful and well-written commentary on our event. I am truly thankful that you made the extraordinary effort to make it back to Concordia, and for sharing your experience. I think that many will share similar thoughts/anxieties/comfort that you found there as well.
In a town the size of Concordia, and the class size we have, I think that the person who stated that we all basically grew up together as a family had it right. While we do not all know each other as well as we might (hopefully) know our immediate family members, I think I'm probably as close to most people in our class as I am with many of my 1st and 2nd cousins. And so, like a family, we are quite diverse, spread out, but share a common bond of experiences and milestones.
I am thankful for all who were able to attend, as well as those who were not able to as well. I do hope that this website continues to grow, and eventually we are able to all connect as needed/desired. I am going to announce your blog, as I think many would enjoy reading it, and maybe even commenting and/or contributing.
Thank you again!
About
Badge
© 2009 Created by Andre McDaniel on Ning. Create a Ning Network!
You need to be a member of CHS Panthers Class of 1988 to add comments!
Join this Ning Network